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relationship intimacy: building longer term relationships, pt. 3

relationship intimacy: building longer term relationships, pt. 3

[Read Part 1 and Part 2.]

Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings,infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can grow up – if they succeed in loving the distance between them, which makes it possible for each to see the other Whole against the sky.” ~Rainer Maria Rilke

When I paused my story in Part 2, I was at home experiencing the most severe pain I’d ever known …

The next day, Saturday, after rolling out of the bed onto the floor for the seemingly 100th time, I pray, “Lord, I need your help. I’ve been down here on my knees more times in past 24 hours than I have in past five years!” I was at home all day alone since Stacy was attending our son’s father-in-law’s funeral. Then finally the third day, Sunday, I begin to find some relief. While watching a movie, with a sense of amazement, of complete surprise, I realize that I’d uttered the same words to both my wife and to God, “I need your help.” I realize that I have two persons to whom I could say those words. I weep.

 The following week, we decide to go see the movie, The Butler.  While riding, my wife asks me, “Do you want me to get you something for our anniversary?” To this I reply, “If you need to you can, but there is something that you need to know, and that is whatever you purchase, it will pale in comparison to what you have already given to me.” There is silence between us. We just look into each other eyes, and then we smile.

In Part 2 we also listed two of three steps toward developing intimate relationships:

  • Understanding that achieving relational intimacy is messy.
  • Intentionally seeking a deeper level of intimacy with another.

Now, the third step is the process of becoming a more differentiated individual. As such, we must be aware of the fact that we will discover how utterly alone we truly are. For depth – for physical and sexual intimacy to happen – it seems that self-healing of our early life’s (i.e., childhood) relational injuries is necessary. Further, this work may require us to nurture a relationship where we can be and become our true selves; committing ourselves to looking at our earliest physical/sexual encounters with honesty and openness.

Physical and sexual intimacy evolves, but not without conversation between the partners. It seems to me that the ultimate aim in this aspect of the intimate relationship is for both partners to feel mutually accepted as individuals; and, to have mutual respect for each other’s uniqueness, along with learning to respect that uniqueness within oneself and the other. Unfortunately, this process is not for the faint of heart and may only be possible in a therapeutic relationship and space of safety.

part 3 lovers

Image: iloveblackart.net

Similarly, relational intimacy experienced during times of crises creates additional longings. When we encounter difficult personal situations, (e.g.; deaths of parents, children, spouses; the loss of a job, a change in physical health, etc.), we long for our familiar other, to provide a place of safety, so that our painful emotions/feelings are free from judgment. These areas require having an understanding individual when we are experiencing periods of extreme vulnerabilities in our lives. During these moments significant others, without realizing it, can often abandon the persons in our key relationships because we do not know how to hold the existential pain of those close to us in moments of crisis.

Finally, deep relationship intimacy occurs when our defenses are relaxed enough to allow our significant others to develop a capacity for emotional openness. Further, this level of openness therefore enables our loved ones to risk being vulnerable long enough to share aspects of their psychological and spiritual pain. What is relaxed is the unsupported fear of those others who will judge us for expressing our authentic selves.

When a significant other (i.e., spouse, parent, sibling, friend, etc.) for example, is able to observe me and to be with me in my moments of temporary anguish, I am healing within my innermost being. Still again, when I have a sudden epiphany about a long-lost childhood experience that is rooted in pain and trauma, and my loving other responds with affirmation, compassion, confirmation and empathy, then I am experiencing depth of intimacy—healing. My appointed and significant other is providing for me a holding space as I work through my anguish and my tears! The following example illustrates my point:

A mother hears her son’s painful memory of not being touched or physically held by her as he expresses this memory to his significant other. His mother is present during this open conversation. His mother, in turn, offers her recollection of her son’s account of their early life relationship. She affirms that his memory is accurate and true as her son had recalled and then offers a self-disclosing fact about herself. [She admits,] “He is right; it [her inability to touch or experience physical closeness] was about me. I couldn’t be available to the touchy-feely [because I didn’t know how] because I was afraid.” To this, the son replies, “That’s right.”

In that moment, the mother openly, without becoming defensive or attempting to protect herself from potentially hurt feelings, provides a longing hunger for her son. She receives the affection that her son has for his mother. This act is a deeply healing and transformative moment for both; in short, it is relational intimacy in living color. This moment is a non-judgmental and non-anxious response. His mother is able provide, as both are now adults, an important holding space for both to heal. Every child, from infancy throughout adulthood, hungers to know her or his parent is willing to receive her or his deeply abiding affection for that parent, mother first and then father.

The quote I used to open the final post in this series is a favorite poem of mine by Rainer Maria Rilke. It sums up the level of relational intimacy to which I’ve been reflecting. Again, I share it:

Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings,infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can grow up – if they succeed in loving the distance between them, which makes it possible for each to see the other Whole against the sky.”

Thank you for taking the time to reflect with me on relational intimacy. I look forward to being with you again soon via one of candi dugas & associates’ publications. Until then, take good care.

NOTE: In my narratives, I change the names of others than my own to protect individual privacy.

© 2016, James Bernard Kynes, Sr.

The Rev. James Bernard Kynes, Sr., M.Div., LMFT (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist) practices at Crossings Counseling Center, Inc., in Decatur, GA. To read more about him and/or to connect with him, visit his website (http://www.jamesbernardkynessr.com/index.html), email (bkynesr@gmail.com) or call (404.378.2232).

Featured Image: iamaliminalbeing.blogspot.com

relationship intimacy: building longer term connections, pt. 2

relationship intimacy: building longer term connections, pt. 2

[Read Part 1.]

“Dread is an alien power which lays hold of an individual, and yet one cannot tear oneself away, nor has a will to do so; for one fears what one desires.” ~Soren Kierkegaard

When we left my story, I was sitting with a client in ever-increasing pain.

After completing that session, I am now thinking that I should drive myself to the emergency room. Then, another thought, “Call Stacy.” So, I call my wife and luckily, she answers her cell. (It’s also a good thing that she is a wonderful and outstanding nurse.) “Stacy, I need your help,” I express in a very slow and vulnerable voice. She replies with the same level of emotional affect in her voice, full of empathy and concern, “What’s wrong?” I tell her what is happening.  She directs me, “Call your doctor. I will meet you there.” Immediately, I experience a sense of clarity to balance the intense moments of crisis that I was having.

At the doctor’s office I learn that I might be passing a kidney stone. To confirm this, Stacy takes me to the hospital. The pain now very severe, I am agitated and restless. The ultrasound confirms that I have a 5mm stone and they can only keep me if it is 6 mm or larger. So, my wife takes me home and I experience the most severe pain that I had ever known.

What I also know is that human beings fear relational intimacy. “I fear getting hurt,” says one young man in his early 30s who ends another relationship before it becomes too serious. Unconsciously more than consciously, our desire for relational intimacy seems to create an invisible sense of dread long before we are able to experience authentic affection from others and authentic compassion and self-love for ourselves. Take our quote above from Soren Kierkegaard, “Dread is an alien power which lays hold of an individual, and yet one cannot tear oneself away, nor has a will to do so; for one fears what one desires.” Developing a significant relationship with regard to intimacy of depth is a lifelong process. This process, therefore, requires patience and longsuffering, and may create feelings of dread before we experience a sense of inner peace within ourselves. The process is arduous, difficult, perilous and gradual. Moreover, this reality applies to any relationship where two individuals are seeking to develop meaningful memories with another human being.

This blog series is about the challenges and opportunities of developing intimate relationships, not about marriage, per se. Marriage is a metaphor for perhaps the most intimate of all relationships. So, my aim in sharing these thoughts is to help create an ongoing dialogue among and between individuals that take their relationships with themselves and others of significance, seriously. Rainer Maria Rilke writes, “Marriage is difficult, and those who take it seriously are beginners who suffer and learn!”

Let’s begin with understanding that achieving an intimate relationship is messy. It is messy because we as human beings, are unaware that we are committing ourselves to being a living and reflective mirror image for another person. This dynamic is messy in that we see ourselves in the other person. An internal reflection of ourselves becomes possible. In other words, I am agreeing to be of help to the other person in seeing herself or himself, as well as looking at myself, being played out before my very eyes in real time – my virtues as well as my flaws, my strengths as well as my weaknesses, and my possibilities as well as my limitations. In this mirror reflection of myself, I am going to see every aspect of my childhood relationships, my parents (adoptive or biological), siblings, cousins and other relatives—grandparents, aunts and uncles, neighbors and neighborhood playmates and friends—every aspect. Moreover, if I do not remember cognitively everything, emotionally, I do. In the words of Howard Thurman, “I am looking for myself in you, and perhaps I cannot find myself until I find it in you.”

Man fears hide psychology emotions cartoon illustration

Additionally, in this mirroring process of “looking for myself,” we as individuals will early and often attack the negative images (played out through actions and behaviors) that we see in the other person. We fail to realize that at our deepest cores, we are attacking aspects of ourselves. A woman, 50 years of age, recently exclaimed in her therapy session:

The parts of my father that I did not like, I later began to see them in me. I made a conscious choice not look closer at those parts of me because I did despise my father. I am coming to realize that I have been despising myself as well because for years I have tried NOT to be like him; and now, I am discovering that in so many ways I am like him—the parts that I despise. I was like him in my two failed marriages. And I see it more clearly today.”

As she is transforming this deeply internalized and mirrored self-image of herself, it becomes possible for her to deepen the emotional level of intimacy with her, first, and others second. 

Next, let’s seek a deeper level of relational intimacy. As individuals we live by our own collective misconceptions and internalized models about what intimacy is. Consider a few commonly made statements:

  • “I thought that I would not feel alone once in my marriage.”
  • “We need to have more intimacy.”
  • “Something’s missing; we seem to be growing apart rather than closer—I want more intimacy, not necessarily sex, but not to feel like this … lonely.”

Moreover, the social images associated with intimacy models, for instance, visual expressions such as couples locked arm-in-arm or warmly embracing each other in the public sphere or even holding hands. These are outer expressions of closeness, possible relational warmth with another relationship of familiarity. Yet, when these expressions are seemingly lost, we utter statements like:

  • “We used to have such a close relationship.” or
  • “We used to cuddle all the time and I don’t know what happened.”

I often hear individuals, men more so than women, using the intimacy word primarily in relation to sexual intercourse. Physical/sexual intimacy is an important part of the relationship between committed individuals. It may become one of depth if we are able to commit to the relationship rather than having a “friends with benefits” arrangement. According to David Schnarch, author of Passionate Marriages, achieving meaningful sexual intimacy requires the individuals to be able to become a well-differentiated self. Differentiation in this context means that as individuals, we are able to work sufficiently through our own interpersonal and intrapersonal wounds, in the process of becoming one, with ourselves.

Return to sexNspirit next week for the 3rd and final post in this series to discover the 3rd step toward achieving relational intimacy.

NOTE: In my narratives, I change the names of others than my own to protect individual privacy.

© 2016, James Bernard Kynes, Sr.

The Rev. James Bernard Kynes, Sr., M.Div., LMFT (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist) practices at Crossings Counseling Center, Inc., in Decatur, GA. To read more about him and/or to connect with him, visit his website (http://www.jamesbernardkynessr.com/index.html), email (bkynesr@gmail.com) or call (404.378.2232).

relationship intimacy: building longer term connections

relationship intimacy: building longer term connections

Seldom or never does a marriage develop into an individual relationship smoothly without crisis. There is no birth of consciousness without pain.” ~ Carl G. Jung

It is Friday, August 9, 2013 (two days before my 38th wedding anniversary). I am in my office conducting sessions, when around 8:30 a.m., I began experiencing a subtle and dull pain in my lower abdomen. I thought, while listening to my client, “Do I need to go again to the bathroom?” I did not. Yet, the pain continued and gradually increased with intensity and discomfort. It is now 12:30 p.m. and I am sitting with another client, adjusting my sitting position from left to right – then left again – and then right again, in greater and greater pain.

“Are you okay?” asks my client. “I don’t think so, but I’m okay for now,” I replied.

This painful crisis is about to turn into a birth of consciousness regarding emotional intimacy. Of course, I don’t know it at the time. All that is consuming me is my physical pain and my attempts to complete my day’s calendar of clients. In the following posts of this 3-part series, I will share more of my story that day. For now, let’s begin to consider what it means to be intimate in our relationships, a quality that is not a given part of them, simply because we participate in each other’s lives.

Secure attachment in an intimate relationship is essential for our individual healthy senses of self-esteem and worth! This reality is especially true in moments of emotional, existential, psychological and spiritual crises.

lovers lower

Intimacy refers to “a close, familiar and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person; a close association with, detailed knowledge, or deep understanding of; the quality of being comfortable, warm, or a token of familiarity, affection, or the like.” (Dictionary.com) Relational intimacy begins during the second trimester between the mother and the developing fetus and later, her newborn infant. Neuroscience now informs us that significant communications from the mother’s emotional life passes on into the fetus’ developing neurons. It is important that the emotional relationship between mother and child is protected by those close to her, helping her with the caring of and tending to this developing bond. When this protection happens, the emotional health of both mother and child can create a secure attachment. The emotional support for the mother is essential, enabling the newborn to experience her (or any significant caretaker, e.g., the father) as an emotionally available and safe other. We then hope that the infant is able to take in the non-anxious presence from the mother’s sense of self into its developing identity.

In the absence of a secure and emotionally available caretaker, psychological disorders (which will vary in degrees from individual to individual) have a greater chance for affecting our relational development from infancy to/through adolescence and well into our adult life for years to come. Anxiety and depressive disorders, bi-polar (a brain chemical disorder that unless diagnosed and treated by a professional, can be exacerbated by environmental stress) and others can play a major influencing factor on how well relational intimacy develops. Yet, if mother has a good enough emotional support system, one that can provide a nurturing environment for her and her baby, then she has a greater chance of being emotionally available to help her child develop and grow with less anxiety and other potential disorders. And if that happens, we are able better to create and nurture for ourselves fulfilling, intimate relationships with our significant others.

Return to sexNspirit next week to discover the source of the pain I experienced a few days before my 38th wedding anniversary and to read my take on the key that prevents us from developing relational intimacy.

NOTE: In my narratives, I change the names of others than my own to protect individual privacy.

© 2016, James Bernard Kynes, Sr.

The Rev. James Bernard Kynes, Sr., M.Div., LMFT (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist) practices at Crossings Counseling Center, Inc., in Decatur, GA. To read more about him and/or to connect with him, visit his website (http://www.jamesbernardkynessr.com/index.html), email (bkynesr@gmail.com) or call (404.378.2232).

all the voices

all the voices

 

No justice or equality movement has ever succeeded without the voices that come from the “other side.”

Christianity had the Apostle Paul. Abolitionists and the Civil Rights Movement had “white” people. The Feminist Movement had/has men. The war on poverty still needs the wealthy and transgender folks need more help from gays, lesbians and straight people.

I was a bit suspicious at first and I cannot say that I’m utterly convinced now, but I’m at least encouraged by what I hear coming from Pastor E. Dewey Smith as he continues to publicly share that he’s rethinking his theology about sexuality and faith. His conservative voice bearing witness to what liberals and progressives already know, is priceless.

pastor e dewey smith

Pastor E. Dewey Smith and congregation praying for Singer Angie Stone at House of Hope Atlanta. Image: joy105.com.

Last weekend he participated in a gathering at Princeton University via its Black Church Studies program, “Love Thyself: Black Bodies and Religious Space.” The gathering was inspired by the viral hashtag, #BlackChurchSex.

During the conference he said in about 4 years, some studies report that 50-55% of African American women will never get married. “Do we really expect these women to lead celibate lives?” Then he challenged that the way we currently read the bible enslaves women and reinforces a pimpish theology. Pastor Smith offered that our churches must begin to give people space to grow, think and recognize that the bible doesn’t have the answer to all our questions. WOW! How’s that for ‪#‎BlackChurchSex‬??? (as reported by a Facebook friend of mine that attended the conference)

We don’t listen to every voice. Having as many different kinds of voices as possible that can advocate a realistic message of freedom in a grounded context of faith will greatly assist the church – the Black church – in having meaningful conversations which improve our holistic health as followers of Yeshua.

(c) 2016 candi dugas, llc

why listen to bey instead of mom* or g~d?

why listen to bey instead of mom* or g~d?

A gorgeous, wealthy pop star

without impressive traditional credentials – like an Ivy League degree

 

has never been embraced

by conservatively valued members of our community

 

as a worthy role model

to influence the beliefs and actions of our young people

 

– or even ourselves.

So, why should Bey experience anything differently?

07-beyonce-formation-dylanlex.w529.h352

Image: vulture.com via Beyonce/YouTube . View “Formation” at Beyonce.com.

I am not surprised at the antagonistic comments I’ve read on social media over the weekend. Defiant even. “She will not take the place of my Jesus!”

I chuckle at comments like that – for a couple of reasons.

1.

I don’t know Beyoncé, but I seriously doubt that she’s interested in becoming anyone’s savior.

2.

I believe such adamance is an expression of a shamed and uncomfortable attraction to her work.

“Thou doth protest too much …” ~Hamlet

Even for women of faith who have great relationships with their moms and love the lessons that they’ve passed down still can find other voices beyond family and the bible, church, etc. to be relevant and valuable to their experience and goals.

Bey brings to the table an unapologetic sexy sense of empowerment that we sorely need. One Facebook friend posted that we’ve been looking for a black leader to rise up. We thought it would be Obama and it turned out to be Beyoncé.

Mrs. Carter is all of who she is. Surely, we can say that her wealth allows her to be, but she wasn’t always this financially wealthy. This daring and confidence began developing long before she had paper. In fact, these intangible qualities make what we can see and feel happen. In this way, Beyoncé is a worthy model for us to follow. “I see it; I want it. I stunt, yeah, little hornet. I dream it; I work hard; I grind ‘til I own it.” (sung by Beyoncé)

We don’t have to dress like she does or dance like she does (though that would be great if my body could still absorb the intensity of those moves), but we can certainly allow her witness to inspire us to be unapologetically free in who G~d created us to be. She’s leading in ways that traditional interpretations of G~d are not, do not. She’s able to say what most moms don’t feel free enough to articulate to and for their daughters – than we are able to pronounce for ourselves.

That’s why we listen to Beyoncé, sing with her and do our best to keep up when dancing with her.

“OK, ladies, now let’s get in formation!”

*mom – While we know that dads are present in our lives, for the purpose of this post as a response to online comments about how Beyoncé doesn’t trump a mother’s advice, we are only referring to “mom” as the parent.

© 2016 candi dugas, llc – Featured image: spin.com.

sexuality + spirituality

sexuality and spirituality: doing it differently

Each Sunday in October – live in person and online

Impact’s 2015 “Sexuality + Spirituality Experience Series” builds upon the wildly successful one that we produced in 2010. Five years ago we shared that God created sex to be good for creation and that we will not prescribe to anyone how they choose to engage or not in sexual activity. So, how do we make these decisions, the kinds of choices that help us to live with integrity within ourselves, before God and with others? Impact helps us all make these determinations by providing the tools for each person to make her/his own informed, educated and spiritual decision(s).

For further understanding, we invite you to join us this October as we unpack, affirm and celebrate what it means to be a whole, integrated person in God, one who is simultaneously and beautifully sexual and spiritual.

We are excited to share the good news of God’s love for all with our community – where all means ALL. Impact always endeavors to create safe and relevant space for worship of God and service to the world. We look forward to your joining us every Sunday in October – 8am, 10am, 12noon – in person or online (http://www.impactdoingchurchdifferently.org/live/)!

*Some content may not be suitable for all audiences.

allow yourself to love him

#LoveWins is THE hashtag celebrating #SCOTUS’ decision Friday for #MarriageEquality.

I posted on Facebook:

candi's lovewins facebook post

I read friends’ celebratory words and viewed their pictures, including profile pics awash in rainbow colors.

Then I began to see other friends’ subtle and not-so-subtle rejections of SCOTUS’ ruling – proclaiming that the end is near, that G~d’s word is the same though times may change and even some posts that intend to support our LGBTQ community by saying that we all sin and fall short of G~d’s glory. All of these posts are equally irritating to me.

The affirmation of love, the call to love elicits very close-minded, bigoted and discriminatory replies from those who self-identify with a faith tradition that, on paper more so than in action, professes the world will know us by our love. They claim to still love the other while condemning the other for anything and all things from who they are to what they do – loving with very unlovable words and tones of voice.

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Until now, I’ve not responded much online – after all, I am on vacation. Besides, rarely do these kinds of conversations over what the Bible does and does not say lead to any sort of fruitful dialogue. Rather, my response has been to think about it all and to refuse to linger in irritation or allow my irritation to transform into anger.

#POTUS has been reflecting on #grace. I’ve been reflecting on #love.

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My reflections began as personal ones, not even considering that they may intersect with national events unfolding this weekend, as I continue to seek resolution within myself, to seek a settling of the matter of how best to be in romantic relationships – as I continue to seek how to love. My quest returns me again and again to myself, to the places of lack in my soul – whether I call them empty places or unhealed places or half-filled places. Being close to another shines lights, rattles foundations and rips open closures. That’s what true love is, a call to oneself – whatever kind of love it is, it always requires inner self-work. It actually becomes more about me than the other person, a reality that is the antithesis of what our culture touts as true love.

“I am on the hunt for myself in everybody else. I’m looking for myself in you. And perhaps I can’t find myself until I find it in you. … Just as to love oneself means to deal with oneself beyond all of the limitations, all of the things, the not-good things in oneself that one knows, to look beyond all of that to a center, which if I can ever become aware of it in myself. Then it is out of that center that I move towards all of the other relationships by which my life may be surrounded. And because I am unwilling, despite all of things I know about myself, I am unwilling to give myself up. I cling to myself with a kind of abiding enthusiasm.” ~Howard Thurman

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“There is scarcely anything more difficult than to love one another. … [W]hoever loves must try to act as if he had a great work: he must be much alone and go into himself and collect himself and hold fast to himself; he must work; he must become something! For believe me, the more one is, the richer is all that one experiences. And whoever wants to have a deep love in his life must collect and save for it and gather honey.” ~Rainer Maria Rilke

And so as we call on the world to celebrate love, to wave rainbow flags and shout that love wins, we must remember that we are actually calling for a deep love. We must remember that most of the world has not collected or saved anything to this end. They have not done the work, the grueling inner self-work to be able to regard another’s triumph over discrimination without thinking that their victory somehow defeats the world’s senses of salvation, holiness and righteousness. Most in opposition will not change. They will continue to default to conservative, traditional and dying biblical interpretation and theology as their responses to progress rather than confront the lack and the pain inside of themselves. After all, black churches continue to be burned in 2015 and southerners are publicly protesting the removal of the Confederate flag in 2015. African Americans know that changed laws do not change hearts.

Only each person doing her/his own work within can change one heart … and one mind. Only becoming self-actualized individuals grants us the capacity, the bandwidth to open up broadly enough to even approach truly and fully loving the other. Perhaps we can begin with our personal relationships and grow to extend love beyond our inner circles. That hasn’t exactly been my path; yet, my path to personal love is requiring me to reevaluate what I mean when I declare my love for my neighbor.

Am I truly allowing myself to love “him”?

(Read more, if you like, to see what I mean, a bit of back-story on this quest for personal best-love, regarding a past romantic relationship.):

I recall my counselor’s words to me one rainy afternoon. I was exasperated and drained from all of the unfulfilled desires and unresolved emotions I had been carrying around within me since my then-lover severed our connection. Sharing my angst with my counselor, I expected him to encourage me to be strong, persevere, focus on myself, re-route my thoughts to thanksgiving for all that I had in my life rather than all I considered to be a loss, etc. But I didn’t get that.

Instead, he said, “Allow yourself to love him.”

“What?”

“Yes. Are you in any danger? Does he hurt you physically or abuse you emotionally?”

“No.”

“Then allow yourself to love him.”

Well, that meant also, allowing him to continue to hurt me via my love for him. That also meant allowing myself to feel the vast land beyond the keyhole smallergreat void of his absence. What I’ve come to know, that I suppose my counselor intended for me to learn and from which to grow, is that somehow this allowance of simultaneous love and pain facilitates a maturity of being that we never obtain by avoiding it, by wallowing in anger, hurt, resentment, betrayal, etc. – all of the, ummm …, more acceptable emotions when we end ties with someone that means so much to us.

What I know is that after all the emotions subside around the cause of the breakup, we’re left with the love that was present all along. During the angry rants, it never left. During the weeping, it never left. During the miscommunication and realization that it’s over, it never left. And somehow we can feel it deeper later than we ever did before relationship ended.

As I continue to feel love, the question then becomes, “Do I keep moving forward without him or do I let him know that I still care?” Because, right?, we have this need to communicate our feelings. Not communicating passionate feelings like love for another is a heavy thang. But to what end? Am I sharing because I want to get back together? What if he ain’t even thinkin’ ’bout me? What, then, do I do with the counsel of allowing myself to love another – no matter where the other is?

We realize that our loving others has way more to do with ourselves than with the object of our affection. (Revisit Thurman and Rilke.) And so what we do is we decide to discard tradition’s ineffective, shallow notions of love. We decide instead to embrace the deeper thing. We return to self, to solitude. We grow taller, stronger so that we can indeed love the other with a love so great, so strong that we can abide with each other in true harmony and peace amid all of our differences and disagreements.
Then, love truly wins.
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” ~Yeshua (Matthew 22:37-40)
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(c) 2015 candi dugas, llc
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